I feel like I haven't been around for a while...

As my fellow photographers know, Jan/Feb/Mar is the "Photographer's Winter". Winter begins for most people in Nov/Dec with the Holidays, but that is OUR busy time: shooting Mini Sessions, designing Christmas Cards, and wrapping all of our clients' Christmas Gifts ;) Come January, it's time to rejuvenate! January for most photographers is time spent at home with our spouses, no photo shoots...vacation time! And, this year, for Sam & I, we decided it was time...to start a family.

Thank goodness I picked the "Photographer's Winter" because I did not know what I was getting myself into, haha. Most of my clients would easily pick this up from my personality and the way I run the business, but I am SUPER organized..."C" type personality all the way! When I decide to do something, I will research the heck out of it ;) So why would this be any different?!

I read pregnancy blogs, scoured Pinterest and joined a "Birth Club" app on my phone. I learned all about what to do/try/buy/eat/drink and what not to do/try/buy/eat/drink ;) Pre-natal vitamins, check! Temping & charting, check! Lots of prayers, check check and CHECK! =)

We were ready and so in February we began the TTC process ("Trying to Conceive" for those who are not familiar with the oh-so-many abbreviations of pregnancy!) And much to our surprise, on February 20th, we took our very first pregnancy test...in our very first month of trying.........we were pregnant! Holy cow!! I literally remember the first thing I said was "Well, there's no turning back now!"

The next 2 weeks felt like the longest, yet fastest, most exciting 2 weeks of my life: we surprised my parents with our BIG news, I went crazy pinning Nursery ideas, shopped for anything to help with nausea, watched the hilarious movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting", and planned, planned, PLANNED!

I was so excited for what the next 8 months would bring..........but then I woke up on March 5th and after a few hours of panic and a visit to the Emergency Room, Sam & I learned that we had lost our baby.

So now I sit here, 2 months & 6 days later, thinking about all that today was going to mean to me. The joy of knowing that I had a baby in my belly and I was finally a Mom. I was supposed to be celebrating my first Mother's Day and anticipating the joy of holding my baby in my arms. That's no longer the case and I will never get to physically hold my "angel baby".

Before writing this blog post, I struggled this past week, thinking "I WAS a Mother, but it was taken away." And after a lot of tears and prayers, I realized I was wrong. I AM a Mother...it's not carrying a baby for 9 months that makes you a Mom or having a child to take home from the hospital. It's about the life that God created.

"13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed." - Psalm 139:13-16

The week before our baby died, I read in a weekly pregnancy update that a heartbeat had developed. There was life, there was a child within me, and even though my baby is now in Heaven, I am here on earth, a mother. That can't be taken away from me.

So this Mother's Day, I want to celebrate all of my family, friends & clients who have adorable kiddos in their lives that bring them joy every day. You are all amazing mothers to your children and it is a true blessing to witness the love you have for them. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to learn from your ways.

But today, I also want to celebrate the women who have deep love in their hearts for someone they never got to meet. To these women, I want to say, take comfort in knowing that today is for you too. God knows our pain today and knows the blessing that is yet to come. He has a plan for our futures, every moment is laid out before a single day even passes. His timing, His will, His way...that is where my heart finds comfort and I find "the peace that passes all understanding". - Philippians 4:7

And with the joy I am feeling now, I hope you will spend another moment with me here, celebrating the life that our baby had...though it was short, our baby was LOVED.

One of the most memorable, healing moments I remember after our loss was the day we decided to name our baby. I have always had a bit of an obsession with the Olympics growing up, love the competitive spirit! After weeks of watching all things Olympics in our household, we realized that our entire journey coincided with the 2014 Winter Olympic schedule. So we thought it only fitting to name our baby "Sochi" =)

On our trip to San Antonio, TX in March, we found the perfect keepsake to remember Baby Sochi. In the "Institute of Texan Cultures" gift shop, we came across a wall of genuine, handmade Russian nesting dolls. And there on the middle shelf, sat the first addition to the nursery we will have in our home someday...a musical nesting doll. The sounds that this doll will play in our nursery, will represent an older sibling lulling a baby brother or sister to sleep =)

Sam & I made many memories in the short 5 1/2 weeks of Baby Sochi's life.

And with those memories, today I celebrate my first, official Mother's Day =)

MOTHER'S DAY - It's for more Women than you Realize